Stepping on the scales Thursday morning was surprisingly more difficult than I would have expected it to be. There I was, standing naked in front of them, willing myself to lift my right foot and toe-tap the scales to turn them on. I was fearful of finding out the truth and therefore attempting to avoid the harsh reality for a few seconds longer.
Fear and avoidance is an unhelpful behaviour I've been engaging in over the past few months when it comes to dealing with the problem I have with my weight. I fear knowing the truth, therefore I avoid acknowledging it by not weighting myself.
In October, when I got the exciting email that I was to audition for Masterchef (obviously, I didn't get through), any thoughts of healthy eating went straight out the window. My home became one permanent test kitchen - the same dishes over and over again, tweaked in one way or another to attempt to create the perfect dish that would take me further in the competition.
Of course that food wasn't healthy. Full of fat, sugar (desserts being my specialty) and refined carbohydrates. Eating way more than I could possibly burn off, and with all the additional time in the kitchen, no scheduled exercises sessions in which to burn it off.
The scales became another dust-covered object littering my bathroom floor rather than a tool in the arsenal of my lose weight & get fit regime. I adopted the Ostrich approach of burying my head in the sand and pretending that the calorie-laden foods weren't piling on extra kilos. The only indicator I had is that my face is no longer recognisable to me. I'm puffy. I've lost my formerly shapely chin. I want to look in the mirror again and see the face I know.
Eventually, I brought myself to step on the scales and acknowledge reality. It wasn't pretty. I am almost too embarrassed to even share with you that result. It's the heaviest I've been - it's approximately 10 kilos heavier than I was last time I commenced a diet an exercise journey. Am I engaging in a fear and avoidance behaviour not sharing this with the world? Possibly. Is it due to to the suspected horror and disgust from people I know? Maybe. Let's face it, my friends can see I'm fat and they like me regardless of the way I look. It's only for myself that I want, need to lose this weight.
It's a number that I intend to make a dim and distant memory.