Thursday, 15 November 2012

On being human

Thursday, 15 November 2012
Three days in and I failed. I would like to say that I feel like crap over it, but I don't.

I partly blame being so tired. I was in an 'I don't care right now' mood. This is the destructive thinking that I so desperately need to break.

I was doing reasonably well until mid afternoon. I'd only eaten half of the lunch and put half away for today's lunch. Turns out I forgot to put it in the fridge and I have no lunch for today after all.

Pillaged the chocolate in the kitchen for a marshmallowy rockyroad chocolate bar thingy, which was tasty. I'm kind of inspired to do a white chocolate with oreos rocky road for christmas.

After work, I stopped to catch up with friends for a quick drink. Originally I'd planned to have a cup of tea and get out of there. Forgot this and went straight for a glass of wine. This was quickly followed by 3/4 of a plate of seafood risotto.

I then ordered dessert to take home, along with Mr Redpene's dinner. A nutella and strawberry calzone. Imagine if you will, the contents of a jar of nutella and few strawberries for good measure wrapped in sweet pizza dough and baked. I ate a good 3/4s of it. Even considered licking the plate. Nutella is a weakness and I should avoid it at all costs while dieting. Even the portion controlled packs don't work and I don't control the number of portions I will have. I have no idea how many calories I consumed. I'm too tired to even really care.

To be prefectly frank, I'm still too tired to care about yesterday. It will come, and when it does, I will hate myself with a passion so fierce that it will probably appal you. My approach is that if you don't like someone, cut them from your life. I don't see the point of wasting emotional energy on having some one in your face that you just can't stant. Unfortunately when the person you hate is yourself, you can't escape it.

Most of the time, I don't hate myself. I don't particularly like myself either. I think I'm lazy and stupid and easily distracted. I feel ugly. Sure I have great hair and when photographed at the right angle, a passable face, but my body is a nightmare. This is why I have the babe restoration project after all. To fix this and stop the hate.

I made sure the next meal (breakfast this morning) was healthy - poached eggs and a coffee. The next meal after will be healthy and the one after that. Hoping I have the energy to walk home tonight. But if I don't that's ok. This week hasn't exactly been normal. As long as I stick to making healthy food choices, that is enought for now.

I'm only human, after all.

Plan for today - 1200 calories. Lite n Easy meal for dinner. Walk home but only if not too tired. Game until I collapse. Sleep until I wake up.

1 comment:

Elspeth Thorne said...

Personally, I am usually too tired and too cbf about anything to be perfect - so I settle for the 90/10 rule. That is, if I do it right for 90% of the time, 10% of the time can be excused. It's important to not automatically get to 90% and then go all out doing the Wrong Thing for 10%, but it's also an easy path to self forgiveness, when, due to circumstances, I make suboptimal choices. Like that extra bottle of wine, or that thing with gluten in it, or to not move from the couch all day.

My not-so-inner-perfectionist gets its kick out of figuring exactly when I hit 90%. And of course there are many scales - food (how much, what it is, when I eat it), exercise, general activity.

Anyway, *hugs*.