Tuesday 25 September 2012

Fat Ignored

Tuesday 25 September 2012
When you find yourself sitting at your desk, not working and poking at thoughts about self-loathing and feeling miserable, it's time to take action.

The past few months I've been in a rut. battling pain, getting heavier and ignoring the obvious.

So many excuses are made for not eating healthily - I use my partner as a reason to cook the stodge I know he loves but isn't the type of food either of us should put into our bodies. It is not his fault, but it's become painfully obvious to me that I put everyone else ahead of myself.

I've stopped planning and just do whatever, when the mood takes me. I've become numb again and rather than dealing with things I ignore them until they become so critical action needs to be taken.

Feeling like I need to press a reset button - draw a line in the sand - start again and get everything on track.


how many times have I done this now?

I'm such a failure - great at starting things but no capacity for seeing them through to the end.

My body disgusts me. I've taken to ignoring it as much as possible.

This blog has been ignored because it's what keeps me honest.

The problem is, I'm what I like to call
A defeatist-perfectionist. (I don't know if that's the right term, but it will do) I tend to quit on things if I can't do them easily & well.

That's why I keep failing on weight loss. I expect to do it right, with minimal effort. What a surprise I suck so hard when it takes a lot of effort - ongoing effort - to make it happen.

Also, I am hopeless with follow-through. Great at planning and picturing the end result but not so good with the messy detail.

I've knocked myself down for the umpteenth time, but I am pulling myself up for the umpteenth+1 time.

Getting my shit sorted is my priority in the short term.

Sorry world, but I need to put myself first from now on.

1 comment:

Alison said...

I so know the feeling: A defeatist-perfectionist. I tend to quit on things if I can't do them easily & well. Add in 'the first/second/third time I try' and you've nailed it. Avoiding or not continuing with things that are unfamiliar and difficult isn't hard to do.

What came to mind when reading your post and please forgive the hugely nerdy comparison is that the process is not unlike updating a computer. Reboots needed which are irritating and take time. The other side of that is usually it means added stuff too, knowledge updates that will help the machine go forward, fine-tuning in ways that may not be totally obvious even to experienced people.

It doesn't matter how many times you reboot, as long as you're still running :) Throw in a thorough analysis every now and again and it doesn't sound like failure at all to me.