Through tears

Suspended between life here and life there. Things are going to be changing yet nothing is moving in that direction yet.

He's there.

I'm still here.

This time was supposed to be all about me. A selfish, last fling with independent living. To make changes while I had the alone time to do it.

Nothing has happened. In fact I'm more the same, if not worse.

The pain of being separated took more of a hold than I expected it would. I've been constantly staring into the Abyss. Dark dog days have been present more often than not.

And it's taken its toll. Physically, emotionally, financially. Trying to fill a void that while temporary is more consuming that I care to admit.

Then there is the fear of leaving behind all that is secure. My job - even though the work is no longer interesting, the people are lovely. My friends. I'm breaking up with my independence.

I'm getting everything I want and at the same time nothing. Comfort binging. Not exercising. Expanding rapidly. Hating what I am right now. My inspiration and motivation are gone. Shrouded by black abyss.

Lost in the space of my own brain.

Drifting. Searching for something to cling to.

But not someone.