Tuesday 24 September 2013

Le Sigh.

Tuesday 24 September 2013
Photo by Alan @ Photobat

This photo was taken on 19 September 2013. I'm the one in the back of the photo.

I barely recognise myself any more. I look so pudgy and bloated. I have a moon face - my eyes are becoming lost in my cheeks. At least my makeup looks good!

Funny thing is, I still don't feel any different to what I did at lighter weights, except when I see photos of me taken by other people. I believe it's called body dysmorphia. I thought I was as fat then as I am now. But the photos tell the truth. I'm not just fat, I'm huge. And if I gain any more weight I'm going to have my own gravitational force.

This cannot continue.  I know I've said it before. You're probably tired of me saying this. I'm tired of it. I feel pathetic. I hate how apathetic I've been to my health and weight. The ostrich burying-head-in-sand approach no longer works. I'm miserable and full of self-loathing for my ineptitude. 

Exercise - I'm terrified of it right now. Because I don't want to get injured and wind up in more pain than I'm in. Taking steps to minimise this by working with an osteopath.

Diet - I've actually got to *cue scary music* Diet. No more 'just being good' No more 'making best choices'. but for the next couple of months I'm going hardcore. Tracking calories, menu plans, eschewing lollies, chocolate, white bread, pastry, alcohol (during the week), rice and pasta.  If I keep my diet varied and tasty, I won't miss these things at all. Allowed one cheat meal per week otherwise I risk failing and go on mega binge. 

This isn't a 'gunna' list either - I've already started. Yesterday was day 1 and I didn't break. I have a menu plan written out. I have exercise scheduled for two days this week and will gradually increase this as I'm given the ok.

I know I can't do this alone. That's why I keep coming back to the blog. Writing it down and getting it out.

Sick of going around in loops with this shit. So annoyed at myself for continually failing. I need to get  competitive with myself and make this happen. After all, on my short list of things I want more than anything, it's the one thing I have 100% control over.

Writing it out makes me feel better. Hopeful.


Snoskred said...

Are you anywhere near a pool? I ask because when I am feeling concerned about getting injured and yet want to get a decent workout in, I will always fall back to the old faithful of swimming or aqua aerobics.. :)

ysabet said...

Know the feeling. I have a crazy-conservative exercise program. I get annoyed sometimes, because it seems like nothing is changing - but then I push myself too hard, and wind up not being able to walk the next day, with a loss in average activity level.

But ... very slowly, changes are happening. I have visible muscles in my shoulders. When I don't have DOMs, I'm in less pain. I haven't lost much weight - but my sleeping has settled down a bit. I still don't eat every day, but I no longer go for multiple days without eating. The changes are small, but they're building. Patience is so, so hard. Focussing on other things now and again - like the makeup stuff I've been doing - helps me feel better about my body, even though it lets me down a lot.

If you ever need a sympathetic ear, I'm only a facebook or gtalk message away - when I'm awake, at any rate.